The lunacy of the Pakistani wedding – The Express Tribune

Usman | 13 years ago | Reply I got married in khi last year. My family (not the girl) wanted a massive wedding….i refused and allowed just 350 ppl. however, the extended family just couldnt stop saying omg u have to have more than 3 dishes our family’s honour is at stake. i alhamdulilah remained steadfast and didnt budge and managed to make every1 fall in line. Got alot of complaints about having a boring wedding.but who cares!its against my religion to spend on ridiculous stuff But i must say that is almost impossible if ur would be spouse doesnt agree!

Dr+Dev+Mishra | 13 years ago | Reply @Sharjeel- abit childish to bring in hindu banias into this. I am not a bania but can vouch for the fact that they are amongst the most gentle, non violent, highly educated and prosperous of all Indian communities. In fact, ostentation is generally not a trait asociated with them. So, pl debate intelligently and try not to listen to the mindless anti Hindu drivel that fills the airwaves in Pak. All that terrorism in Pak- which Hindu community will you blame for this? Peace

moise | 13 years ago | Reply I miss the time when biryani daighs and shamyana all is needed. Now middle class marriages are like hedgefund managers marrying in oil sheikhs family.

Sharjeel Jawaid | 13 years ago | Reply Vulgar Exhibition of wealth in weddings is a custom exhibited from the Hindu Bania Culture. They lived the life of a scrooge saving for the ostentantious display in weddings. It is a matter of common sense to live a decent life and spend in moderation for weddings and also other celeberations. Sincerely / Sharjeel Jawaid

QuranVsHadith | 13 years ago | Reply Simple.. when the GIRL is being SOLD in an arranged marriage… the Parents need to do something to make it look nice!!

Dr+Dev+Mishra | 13 years ago | Reply At last, a social evil that is equal in both India and Pakistan. As a doctor, I was exposed to a lot of personal angst of my patients and not just their medical details. It used to break my heart to hear of parents creaking at their foundations to meet marriage expenses. Are ppl saying I am exagerating? No, Sir, I will repeat it- IT IS A SOCIAL EVIL. And I am delighted that the author has used a comparison with annual incomes and not just currency conversions that make no sense. For example, here in the UK, my monthly food bill is 15% of my net salary. In India, it used to be 35%. Are ppl aware, however, that some hindu sects like Arya Samajis emphasise simple weddings where the total expenditure would be equal to just one month’s salary of the groom?!! Let us have more of these articles which emphasise the common struggles of the Indo-Paks. Bw all

Mumzy | 13 years ago | Reply I admit that i am guilty of having a reasonably lavish wedding and succummbed to the social pressure. And i know for sure that it was a huge financial burden for my dad. In restrospect, it would have been more fun if we and cut down on one function and used it to have an extended honeymoon or better still saved it for a future holiday with my husband.I cant change what i did, but i do hope that other people can learn from my story.

Faraz | 13 years ago | Reply @ sidra: I don’t think this a fair rational that we need such kind of weddings as it helps a lot of other people. you are not understanding the difference here, maybe one can afford and the other can but the kind of pressure these kinds of norms create on those who can not take such financial load is immense. If we can control this, it would also save many from debt issues and other financial crises. This would also do more good than harm to our society

Faraz | 13 years ago | Reply Bravo! for writing such an article. Leave the examples and comparisons, the over all idea is very good. I don’t think we need more examples because each one of us have experienced such things in our lives. “Mehndi a night club” so true!!!! your friends, sisters and everyone else can dance with each other and the parents have no issues with it. Ubtab, Mehndi and these dholki’s are such waste of money. In fact I have personally attended few weddings where rukhsate and Valima were at the same day. I got confused and got it checked with couple of learned scholars. There i got to know that our religion actually has a provision for one single event and you can share the expenses. Sometimes I feel this is so stupid, working like a donkey your whole life and saving money just to get married and then save for your children marriage. At least we can teach our kids to take this responsibility!! At least my parents have taught me and I am pretty much on the mark with my future financial plans. I must say you are one my type of thinker:)

Sidra Ahmed | 13 years ago | Reply Sidra, Please read the article again. The comparisons made between US and Pakistan is in terms of per capita income verses the expense of the wedding. $50k is less than per capita income in USA while in Pakistan the wedding expense is 40 TIMES (not 40k) the per capita income in Pakistan. Actually the per capita income in the US is approx 27K, not 50K. You may verify it under “Economic Indicators”: http://factfinder.census.gov/servlet/ACSSAFFFacts. The median HOUSEHOLD income may be 50K, but that’s not what you said. And if a wedding is 40 times the per capita income in Pakistan, it does equal 40K, because the per capita income in Pakistan is ~ $1000. (http://www.einfopedia.com/per-capita-income-of-pakistan.php) Not that the actual figures matter a huge deal in this discussion– if one thinks weddings are frivolous, they would think so regardless of income. But since you called me out on my figures, I thought I should reply.

Sidra | 13 years ago | Reply At the same time, such weddings support a variety of small businesses, which generally do more good than harm in bringing a community together.

The Only Normal Person Here. | 13 years ago | Reply Wedding’s Anatomy…something A LOT lighter

Waqar | 13 years ago | Reply @ Henna and everyone Solutions are right under our nose. they are wrapped up in finest silks and placed above the fridge or cupboards and was also used as traditional tool of placing over the brides head for blessing. Yes, the Quran. the one book we can not even think of turning to for solutions. It is the same Book that the Molvi scare you into not even attempting to read with meaning. siting the reasons that you have to be taught by a molvi or only a molvi can read and interpret or other BS along those lines! Think about it! why are the Movlis so afraid to let you read and understand by yourself? WHERE in the Quran does it say: “Ya Ayyuhal Molvi…”? Quran always addresses mankind and not molvis. in fact, it is mentioned in many places in Quran that the first to reject the truth were the elite and the religious figures of the society. Muftis today are more worried about veena malik’s activities and do not raise a voice (let alone take action) against all the corruption and BS happening in Pakistan! they will raise hell if people like Zakir Naik and Ahmed Deedat were to visit Pakistan, but are ok with all the bombings and day light robberies and the corrupt government! My message to Pakistan Youth! Do not be like Nation of Noah that would push their fingers in the ears and run at the invitation to Islam. you have the internet. search on youtube and listen to Khalid Yaseen, Zakir Naik, Yousuf Estes, Abdurraheem Green, Ahmed Deedat, Dr Asrar, Zaid Hamid… Learn about yourself and your own religion. It has been my experience, it is the most liberating and awesome feeling.

Waqar | 13 years ago | Reply @Sidra, Please read the article again. The comparisons made between US and Pakistan is in terms of per capita income verses the expense of the wedding. $50k is less than per capita income in USA while in Pakistan the wedding expense is 40 TIMES (not 40k) the per capita income in Pakistan. @ Babruk… if ur fiancée doesn’t listen to reason, nip the problem in the bud. Upgrade for the one bless with wisdom. It doesn’t matter if u love her, worship her or she was chosen by your dying beloved grandma, you will end up starting ur married life in debt and paying off the debt till the day u die and resenting her for it. Not to mention the tension and rift caused between married couple due to money problems. And if you are blessed with kids during such a marriage, you can not possibly provide a home environment to raise them with noble character. This you can easily observe in Pakistan’s younger generation. you can disregard my advise if you choose the path of corruption so prevalent in our country MAINLY due to weak men putting up with demanding unreasonable women. By the way, judging the values of our people from this article and Pakistani media, it wouldn’t be long before we will be demanding the name of Pakistan to be changed to Napakistan or Unislamic republic of Napakistan. take ur pick.

Henna By Heather | 13 years ago | Reply Thank you for writing this article. Some kind of balance between tradition and fiscal sanity would make a lot of sense.

yasmeen | 13 years ago | Reply Tthis is a very nice article. I am so glad that you had the courage to write this. I hope that someone has the courage to do what you have said. I know of many people who are broke after they pay for the wedding, and sometimes the divorce takes place within the year. It is not only out of fashion in other countries , but our weddings are also becoming showy and tacky, and just plain vulger.

Alex | 13 years ago | Reply To the previous commenter: You are correct that 200k seems a bit too high to classify as upper middle class in the States. It is important to note that what is deemed upper middle class depends on one’s locale. 100k/yr in Iowa constitutes upper middle class whereas in Boston/NYC, a couple bringing in 200k is considered breaking into the upper middle class.

Sameer | 13 years ago | Reply Pakistani generally interact more with their relative than their American counterpart. So obviously you would expect Pakistani inviting more of their relative than American counterpart

nina | 13 years ago | Reply @Babruk, If you are having sleepless nights long before your actual wedding, because of the impending costs of the elaborate wedding which your fiance insists on, then I wonder what will happen after the wedding, will she demand a certain type of house, car, clothes, jewellery? If that will be the case, then expect never to get a good night’s sleep ever again! In Pakistan, there appear to be the growth of two extremes, the woman who is being abused by her greedy inlaws for more stuff from her parents home, and the greedy woman who abuses her husband in demanding more stuff for herself just to show off!

– | 13 years ago | Reply citation please

Taqi | 13 years ago | Reply Only a woman would be able to vent so much putrid feminist anger when it comes to relationships and marriages. This topic ain’t new its been goin on since before i was born and the same hapless drudgery a man has to bear when it comes to his wedding or his daughter’s wedding. For goodness sake’s people have friggin rahat fateh ali performing at weddings, now tell me that is not just beyond ” a tad bit expensive”? Women want jewellery of the best and shiniest kind there is, the decorations to be the snazziest, the knackering dance recitals to be the dopest. Get this through ladies : MEN PAY FOR WEDDINGS NOT YOU Of course men have to join the band wagon cuz be it for their future financial prospects or for their beau/executioner’s no-nonsense-just-do-it appeals. they got no choice. as far as the few intelligent women are concerned well tha’s a start n its gonna take what at least another century before ppl realize this: So cheap is better, huh? This is genius! why didnt we think of it before?” This article is flawless, no changes needed. Nuff said.

Mujtaba Haydar | 13 years ago | Reply @Sidra Ahmed, I think this article was geared towards making a point about an absurd and wasteful extravagance enjoined to one of the more nobler traditions of humanity i.e Marriage. And I don’t see the need for a more researched work on this issue, it’s all too well known!.

Jaweed | 13 years ago | Reply anyone asking me a loan for marriage is turned down immediately. my comment “enjoy on your money not someone elses hard earned rupees”

Sidra Ahmed | 13 years ago | Reply The idea of the article was good, but it is poorly written. For example, your American friend apparently has an household income of 200K. That is NOT “upper middle class” America!! That is higher than 95% of Americans. Even at that level, a wedding with 500 guests would be considered excessive. I live in the States and it is very hard to find a place besides a hotel which allow over 200 guests. Only Pakistani-Americans and other immigrant groups have weddings that big. So the American example seems a bit made up. And the thing about the Pakistani couple who had a 40K wedding….why is it ok for them to have this wedding in America but suddenly in Pakistan it’s considered bad? If one considers the average anything in Pakistan it will look bad….for example, my shoes cost 30 times what most Pakistanis earn in a day. This sounds outrageous…until you realize that 2/3 of Pakistanis subsist on 1.50 or less a day. And acting like women are the demanding ones while men are just innocent and don’t want a fancy wedding is way much of an oversimplification. You forgot the men who demand fridges and TVs for their household, whose mothers need zaver to be put on, etc etc.!! I don’t know if the author is married or not, but I’m sure if he is, he definitely had a Mehndi or Rukhsati and did not voice any objection to it. Saying “what the women wants is closer to what happens” is actually wrong!! The vast majority of women there have no earning power, and are financially chained to their dad’s will!! And even if she is earning, it’s very hard to do anything yourself…it is considered very rude to make any demands, and everything is done through the parents. So I think that assessment is off. This article should be rewritten with better examples, real interviews, real statistics, and maybe it can be a better article.

Nighat+Khan | 13 years ago | Reply Bravo !! About time, I am increasingly distraught at wedding expenses with no guarantee of success of marriage. I know of a simple wedding but successful marriage just because my husband and I put our feet down in spite of our wailing families 23 years ago. I hope I have raised my daughter with similar disdain for obscene and expensive weddings! Imported flowers designer clothes,wedding planners and mehndi choreographers!! This nation has got to set its priorities right other wise we will continue our nose dive!!!.

Babruk | 13 years ago | Reply my wedding is planned next year. I sometimes have sleepless nights when i start thinking of money that i need to get for the wedding. my finace wants an elaborate wedding, she is just impervious to any rational or sane discussion on the cost of the wedding. I wish it had never been the case. one thing more, you are treating the whole of Pakistan as if it has one culture. though i agree that when it comes to the attitude to the wedding ceremony, we can generalize that pakistanis tend to spend a lot on wedding to impress people and save face. but the details of wedding that you talked about cannot be generalized.